Saturday, September 5, 2009

Rich guy sues to buy Missouri capitol and capital

Disassociated Press - The Missouri capitol and indeed all of the currently public land in the state capital, Jeff. City, will soon be for sale to the highest or most metricious bidder, if a suit filed by one of Missouri's wealthiest sons succeeds.

"My client has grown frustrated with the process of buying one politician at a time, especially with these irritating term limits and nagging federal investigations into individual political corruption," said Mere Tricious, attorney for the plaintiff, the financier Rick Sickgeld.

"It is our position that, if you are rich and smart enough, you should be able to own everything - including and especially the government," atty. Tricious continued. "If our suit is successful - and we are putting that pretender President Hussein Obama on notice, here - then Washington is next."

Political insiders widely consider this suit to be inspired by the downfall of one of the Missouri politicians Sickgeld had previously bought, state Senator John Doe, who was brought down by a federal investigation into political corruption.

"Basically, he cheated on his homework," Post-Pulitzer political beat writer Blametha Messenger said of Doe. "But his problems began in earnest when he lied to federal investigators about cheating on his homework. That is when a misdemeanor offense that would have required him to write on a chalkboard in public before the Cornahan political dynasty 'I cheated on my homework when I was campaigning on a platform of thou-shalt-not-cheat-on-thy-homework' was upgraded into a felony conviction that may well result in some time in prison to reflect upon his errors in judgment."

Sickgeld has filed an Amicus Brief (Latin for "trying to buy the judge") with the court arguing that Doe's sentence for the felony conviction should be graded back down to writing on the chalkboard in public before the Cornahan political dynasty, adding to the bit about cheating and his platform about not cheating the following: "and I promise never ever again to run against a member of the Cornahan political dynasty unless I can raise more money and the Cornahan in question hasn't showed up for work much in his or her previous elected office".

Doe could not be reached for comment, on the advice of his attorney, Flea Bargain, though he was still writing a lot of emails about his situation, which he really shouldn't be doing.

Sickgeld was approached for comment, and through his spokesperson, a cousin of the Flay political dynasty, he said the following: "When you pay good money for a politican who shares your interest in making public education something you should have to pay for and can freeze the unions out of gradually, then it just makes no sense that some FBI do-gooder with a flat top can come along and put your politician, who you paid for with your own money, in prison where he can't work to pass any more of the laws your lobbyists write."

John Killes, special agent with a flat top in charge of the FBI, said, "Until wildcats like Sickgeld or the Flay dynasty completely own the government and legalize corruption, then we are not going to tolerate this kind of corruption".

Fortunately for Sickgeld, the Flay dynasty and future Missouri politicians Sickgeld may purchase, Killes was shipped off to run the FBI office in Miami immediately after the announcement of his conviction of John Doe and Doe's codefendant, state Rep. Wired Down. Sickgeld's attorney denied any connection between the successful prosecution of political corruption by Killes in Missouri and his being shipped off to Miami almost immediately.

"My client doesn't own the federal government yet," atty. Tricious said. "At this point, we are just trying to buy the Missouri government. Well, actually, our suit just puts Missouri government up for sale, totally - and since we have the most money in Missouri, and the market is free for those with the most money, it stands to reason that we will own it almost as soon as it is for sale."

Sickgeld recently moved back home to Missouri to purchase the state, starting with a large number of individual politicans, after making more money than God in the state of California.

"Obviously, he was doing pretty good out there, when you look at all the money he made off of playing with other people's ill-gotten gains," Blametha Messenger of the Post-Pulitzer said. "But then, according to my sources, Governor Schwarzhoosier was elected. And that is when Sickgeld started thinking, 'This state (California), big as it is, is not big enough for two really rich guys with weird German names. And besides, Schwarzhoosier is a cyborg who can kick my ass."


This is, maybe you guessed, a satire. A joke. Any resemblance to persons living or with their names punned upon is intended to provoke laughter - and, perhaps, reflection upon some current directions in St. Louis and Missouri politics.

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